Responsibility in Gestalt Therapy
By Shea Stevens
“Responsibility” as a Gestalt Therapy Concept
Something you’ll commonly encounter in dialogue with a gestalt therapist is “I” language. “I am aware…”, “I feel…” is a present-moment, phenomenological way of speaking which is encouraged in Gestalt therapy. In addition to encouraging mindful awareness, it also brings a focus to the person’s active role in what they do, think and feel. Rather than being a passive recipient of a phenomenon, “I” language identifies the person who is having the experience. This is a way of modeling and encouraging self-responsibility.
Instead of saying, ‘work is awful,’ or ‘that is a bad idea,’ you could frame it in your experience: “I feel miserable when I’m at work,” or “I think that’s a bad idea.” Sometimes it is uncomfortable to shift the focus onto your subjective experience. There is a comfort in stating things more objectively, as if one’s view is simply a fact. Shifting your phrasing doesn’t necessarily mean there is no objective truth to what you’re saying, it just is a way of speaking that focuses on one’s personal experience of your situation. You can speak however you want to, but this can be a helpful exercise to see what comes up for you when you practice it.
Existential Responsibility; Our Power to Choose
The focus on self-responsibility is not unique to gestalt therapy. It came from the existentialism adapted by the gestalt therapy founders. They even thought about calling their theory “existential therapy,” but they went with gestalt instead. Dave Mann points this out:
“With existentialism key to the stance of the gestalt therapist, we seek to increase freedom of choice. By this I do not mean that we can always choose the events that happen to us, but we do choose our reaction to the event and the meaning we give to it.”
-Mann, p. 154
Existential philosophy tends to focus on subjectivity: the agency each human has in co-creating meaning in life where there is no purely objective rule-book; their meaning-making is up to them, as is deciding what they live for. Existential thought focuses on one’s freedom, insofar as one has it. One’s freedom is theirs alone to choose what to do with. They might claim their freedom or reject it. We exist, in many ways, alone, even when surrounded by others, and we each meet death alone.
Of course, the existentialists also focus on things like solidarity and relationship and critique hyper-individualization. Merleau-Ponty’s philosophy especially is built around relationality. But the existentialists also tend to raise one’s awareness of things like the inescapable, existential nature of loneliness and the prospect of the freedom of the individual. We are responsible for what we do with our freedom.
The “Gestalt Prayer”
The Gestalt Prayer
“I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped.”
-Fritz Perls
It is impossible to summarize a complete philosophy of responsibility in four sentences. The quote above brings focus to the values of practicing self-responsibility and boundaries, which are powerful and important concepts. There are, of course, many other things that could be said to supplement that. To live entirely without regard for others’ expectations or preferences is pathological. Fritz probably took that for granted, and I think it’s important to engage in good faith with this quote instead of assuming it was intended to absolve one from the need to respect others.
In 1972, Walter Tubbs published a poem in the Journal of Humanistic Psychology. Some might feel it captures more of a relational, dialogic nuance:
Beyond Perls
“If I just do my thing and you do yours,
We stand in danger of losing each other
And ourselves.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
But I am in this world to confirm you
As a unique human being,
And to be confirmed by you.
We are fully ourselves only in relation to each other;
The I detached from a Thou
Disintegrates.
I do not find you by chance;
I find you by an active life of reaching out.
Rather than passively letting things happen to me
I can act intentionally to make them happen.
I must begin with myself, true;
But I must not end with myself;
The truth begins with two.”
Varying Perspectives on Responsibility
Some people don’t like the idea of taking responsibility, or they have different nuances of where they land on the polarity of responsibility. Sometimes a person’s dislike of responsibility, or their introjection of responsibility is something that could use adjusting. But in many cases, valid individual preferences are at play and there is not one exact “right” way to practice responsibility.
For example, take two different parents. They each find their own balance of responsibility in how they might relate to their children. One takes on more of the worry, the care, the planning in order to support their child in a given situation. Another parent might have a style of being more hands-off, allowing their child to be held responsible for what happens and to learn through experience. Both styles can be supportive and helpful for their child’s development, but in different ways. Sometimes it’s not black and white, not clear which of these directions the parent wants to go in a given situation.
Self-Responsibility and Other-Oriented Responsibility
Some people might practice responsibility primarily through a lens of self-responsibility, seeing it as informed by an individual’s unique, personal views; their responsibility comes from their own self, and their own will and reason. ‘I believe this is the right thing for me to do, so I do it.’ ‘I value friendship and mutuality, so I am going to help them out with this.’
Others might see responsibility through a framework of obligation based on the needs of others; they are on-call, they enjoy being helpful, and how they react is based more on the other’s preferences or needs rather than based on their own. ‘This situation requires that I give my time and energy.’ ‘My family needs me to do this.’
Many of us try to find a balance between these two orientations.
Does Responsibility Mean Blaming?
A person’s situation may be primarily out of their control. While it is often helpful to hold space for the person’s agency and their capacity for freedom even within extremely challenging situations, there are times when a therapist might assess that what the client needs more of is support to shoulder the challenges that are difficult to carry all on their own. The nuance of self-responsibility must be balanced with support. In order to flourish, humans need supportive environments and positive human relationships. We need each other.
Self-responsibility is different than introjecting blame. It is important for both client and therapist to keep that in mind. A client’s environment might feature others who encourage them to disproportionately introject blame or responsibility. Therapy sessions might be an important time for that client to explore how to let go of some of those introjects, and how to assimilate a balanced sense of responsibility. Such a client might benefit from the reminder that others also have self-responsibility for their own actions and choices too.
Some people have never felt permitted to have personal boundaries, or felt a clear distinction between what is within their control and what is not. The gestalt concept of self-responsibility might be helpful in that case.
Integrating Activity and Passivity
Sometimes people just need a break from some of the responsibilities that come with life, our adult duties; we might need time for childlike play, for rest, or for a bit of an irrational release or catharsis. There are times when a therapist might assess that what the client needs is a chance to let go, even just for a few minutes a day, of their tight hold on responsibility.
Most of us cannot operate in a constant state of activity. In appropriate and ethical ways, we need to find certain times to let go and be in a more passive or relaxed mode.
We need to be ready to accept ourselves when confronted with our failures and inadequacy. We need to accept ourselves even in our messiness. We cannot just rely on love and acceptance from others, although that is also important. We must love and accept ourselves. This is also part of self-responsibility.
References
Mann, Dave. Gestalt Therapy: 100 Key Points and Techniques.